Dreamseeker

Hi guys, Its been awhile since I wrote here.
I guess time seems to drift when we get older.

Ahaha.. I just got back from a trip on Sarawak, in particular to Mulu caves.
Or destination took us from KLIA Airport to Miri on a Boeing 747, & then finally to Mulu on a Fokker
The picture here is the pic we took before flying off to Mulu from Miri.
We took a small propeller plane.. ahaha my FIRST time sitting in such a small aircraft.
Inside, it felt like a small mini bus with wings.

The resort that we stayed in was called the Royal Mulu Resort. Ahaha.. I remember being an avid student of geography (yeah.. when i was smaller @_@) & I read about Sarawakians using rivers  as a means of transport.Well they werent kidding, in fact most of our travels were on motorboat kilometers into the jungle.

The prime attractions is Mulu are their naural cave formations.We had the pleasure of visiting 4 of them during our stay there. Deer cave, Clearwater cave, & a few others that slip my mind right now.

Ahaha hiking there took us 4 kilometers on foot into deep foliage.
Inside, we has the chance to witness for ourselves unique cave formations that took millions of years to develop.

Most of the caves snaked with underground streams. I was stupid(brave?) enough to drink from one of those streams.. ahaha my colleagues said I was crazy.

It tAstes like mineral water actually.. aahahaha. I guess they were not convinced.
I guess i’ll continue this post abit later. I got to go now.

As a child, I often reflected on what the future held..
I could lie on the bed for hours, dreaming of what I would do..
What opportunities would come by, & toy with the steps I would take in order to be happy..

I remember as a kid, I often dreamt of how I’d finally find the right person..
Fall in love at first sight..
Save her from bad guys who were trying to rob her..
Ahaha.. like a dashing casanova struggling to save the damsel in distress

Flashing back to the future, I guess things havent really gone my way! @_@
I still dont quite look like a casanova, & worse yet, no girl seems to want to get robbed in front of me ahaha

Ironic.. I was actually quite quiet when I was younger
I used to have trouble looking at a girl while talking to them… ahaha
I guess you could imaigne things being even worse off when I actually liked that girl.. wah…
Funny.. I dont know if it was just me, but I had a habit of being very rude to the girls I liked.. back then..?

Then it’d strike me .. why the hell did I just say that..?
I guess after awhile, the girls just stopped bouncing my way.
I was grumpy, lost, & .. lonely

Hmm.. I guess somehow I felt I didnt quite fit in.
I tried to be a follower once, didnt suite me very well.
Tried to lead, wasnt very good at it either..

So I ended up wasting my life away.. reading books.. novels.. daydreaming.. off distant lands.. valiantly battling demons & ogres, rescuing ladies of wide reknown..

I guess things didnt quite end up the way I imagined things to be..
I dont spend my time slaying dragons anymore, but i seem to find my dreams with my feet planted on solid earth

I am now quite a talker, I think its hard for me to shut up..
I’ve gotten more polite.. I found that it feels kinda nice when people glow listening to you speak..
Ahaha.. I guess in truth, dreams are what make life worth living..

I realized that as we grow older, things dont really happen to you..
Maturing is about taking responsibility for the things that come, & making sure that they either stay, or go.

Many people spend their lives reading books.. engrossed in their own world of fantasy..
I know now that if we spend so much time reading the tales woven by others, when will we find time ourselves to write our own chapters?

It took me quite sometime to adjust to this of course.
And like every tale, I hope to see a happy ending.
I made a decision one day.. and I wanted to be happy for once.
And the only thing that kept me from doing so was indeed myself.

Behold this land of yore..
I sought, i bring, this song of mine..
Behold, these fists, i bring to fore..
With hands of mine,
These banners roar..

Now stamp, stampede, we now shall roar..
Blood now free, I fling, you soar..

Ahaha..

Well, today..I still read books, I am still engrossed on my own world, but I think for once, I shall tuck myself into this far off corner.. & smile.

Oh drat.. I’ve been sick for the last few days.
Caught this terruble cough that seems to leave my voice sounding like a wheezy lecher over the phone ahaha

I guess you could say i got a few knowing looks from some matronly women as they clung to their lovely daughters as I said "good morning.."

Wonder when I will recover..
I cant wait to go back to gym
Body feels abit .. soft ahaha..
Shit.. @_@

I guess its about time I wrote of brighter things in life.
AHaha.. aside from personal life, I guess my job has been going pretty OK this year @_@
I guess I should focus on the nicer things that have happened..
I cant believe its already 1 year since I made my last new year’s resolution

Okay.. lets compile list of goods & bads..

GOOD
We won projects… I think we made *abit* of money hehe
We shifted office! Bigger.. brighter.. new carpet.. @_@
I started going to bigger gym! (my old gym had no chicks no air con.. no sauna.. etc)
Met alot of people. I guess travelling does give you a wider perspective.
I started paying myself (last time i didnt take salary leh.. so cham.. @_@)
Company now has 6 people (last time only me yah)
I travelled to Phuket.. Haadyai
Got to visit strip joints & see see (Nothing special.. my girl looks better @_@)
Saw my first live kick boxing show (Wow.. really violent. Real blood spurting everywhere)
I travelled to the Sabah.. for a conference
Felt kinda flattered. People often mistook me for a japanese/korean guy in Sabah ahaha.
I think I tasted all the fish in the sea already. (I ate seafood for 6 days in a row while i was there)
I realized that rich people are normal people (I sat down for breakfast with the founders of Ekowood, QL Berhad, Puncak Niaga.. etc etc. Talked about their families.. their aspirations about their kids when they grow up, etc etc. I guess everyone is .. really like you & me. I found it humbling)
I got to meet lots of friendly kadazan chicks
I got to touch Korean chicks! (Oklar.. I just shook their hands, but wow.. the translators were hot)
I plan to buy a new car.. (Its a Hilux! @_@ 4WD)
I also plan to buy a house..
My mom is happier now, that my dad is spending more time with her (retiring liao..)
I think my Bahasa Melayu has improved alot. (I got alot of Malay clients ler..)
I attended a friend’s wedding (my first friend’s wedding ceremony!)
Seemed to have made a few more friends (as in real friend lar, not acquaintance)
I found my fav fast food eatery! (Manhattan’s FIsh Market! Yummy)
I found someone special ..
For once in my life I actually did for a girl all the things I wanted to do (Its ok to give in! I felt quite happy actually buying soft toys for the 1st time in my life)
I started writing again (oklar, its still dark poetry, but I cant help it.. its just me)
Will learn to write of brighter poems (Pray for me, need good events for inspiration..)

BAD
I got more mouths to feed.. (pressure)
Fuel price increase (I travel!! Alot!! *sigh* )
My bullshit skills seems to be getting stale, gotta learn new stories to cough up.
Kentucky chicken seems to taste funny nowadays (I can picture featherless chickens… @_@)
I havent gone to korea yet.. wonder if the ladies are as gorgeous as the ones on TV
I am still waiting for a client to ask me to bring them to a papaya farm (ahaha.. just wishful thinking..)
Havent gone to China yet. I heard my friends saying its easy to get mistresses there. (Ahaha.. i’ll just go for sightseeing.. nothing wrong kua..)
Had alot of problems with the girl i liked (alot of 3rd party issues.. *dont ask*)
Head hurts each time I go to sleep (also because of girl..)
Heart hurts each time I got nothing to do (also because of girl..)
Felt like dying at one point in time (oklar, last time got pissed at parents, just felt like running away.. but this die die thing is abit new to me..)

Hmm, I guess thats about all I have on my mind.
I guess after penning all of this down, the blatant thing which is obvious is that things didnt go that bad.

The why does my heart still ache? ahaha
I guess I now know why some people say you could have all the money in the world, but money cannot buy happiness..
I dont have alot of money @_@ anyway.. but i heard it can help you be unhappy in nice places? @_@

Ahaha.. I guess I can look back a this entry next year & laugh.

As I take this step forward, I’d like to share with everyone what kept me sane over the years..
"Success is a matter of hanging on, when others have let go.."
The proverb above is truly truly.. .. err.. proverbial ahaha

Each time I wanted to quit or give up on something, the only thing that held me back was that sentence.

I hope it can also do the same for you.

Life may be full of regrets, but the present is the gift of choice.
You can decide to be happy, or sad. Its really up to us

I think all of us can make a difference. You just have to want to make that difference.
@_@

I was listening to a song from Stephen Bishop the other day..

"Looking back as lovers go walking past…

All of my life
…
Wondering how they met and what makes it last

If I found the place

Would I recognize the face?"

I recognize .. her @_@..
The one I have been waiting for all my life..

I guess the best things in life are never easy..
MY uncle used to tell me..
"Success is a matter of hanging on when others have let go.."
I guess that is now my mantra.

There have been so many things I have fought for.. & lost..
Be it in business or in life..  I thought the 2 never mixed?

I used to think love & work ethics were separate..
But I guess life is actually quite simple.. its all the same.
Fight for it.. dont give up.. & if you want it hard enough, it will come true.

Ahaha.. I guess I must have been a mealy mouthed preacher when in my past life, to have had such thoughtful rhetoric bounced back at me when I’m down..

But I am grateful.
Tough putting on a strong face for everyone when u feel like jumping off a bridge half the time.
I guess now I can focus on growing my team again, now that my heart is no longer drowning

The best things in life are free..
The freedom to speak..
A sky to gaze upon..
And a pair of hands, fading into the sunset..

"So many quiet walks to take

So many dreams to wake
…"

Ahaha.. I guess its hard to write a love story without being there yourself..

"I’ve been saving love songs and lullabies

And there’s so much more

No one’s ever heard before…
"

I will take care of you. I want to. Just you.

If pain had a word to describe it..
I would call it love..
If happiness was but a moment.. it would have been the day I met you..
Alas the clouds now run gray..
My heart seems to weep with seasons..
Those eyes, orbs ashen with loss..
I would have let go.. if I knew that my glimpse was not etched in your slumber..
Why do your lips speak against your heart?
If I could turn back the sands of time, I would not turn back..
But face you still my love..
Perhaps only tears shall tell,
The soft earth upon my gaze now fell..
I seek your eyes where u would not..
To mind the truth, your heart forgot..
I walk alone, the moon now dim..
I fall alone.. where no one sees…
Each step, now fades..  I walk alone..

Notes:

I dont know why things got so complicated..
I know she loves me.. but .. she makes a decision to go against her heart, because others are not happy with us being together..
What do other people have to do with this?

At some times, I wonder why I could fall in love with someone so weak..
Not strong enough to fight for those she cares for..
But .. then I remember.. playing agame once.. it is a very utopian phrase..

"I shall the sword for the weak..
& the shield for the meek.."

To me, being there for someone .. i care for.. is .. like being in my own rpg @_@
To face each challenge.. each stage.. to fight.. until I witness the ending..
Sometimes the ending sucks.. but I would be lying if I did not say I did not enjoy the journey..

I guess my friend Jeremy was right.
He said I have this thing for saving sick puppies..
ahaha..
Should I let go?

KNowing that she cries at night because she does not see me..
Hurts me more than words can say…
And yet the pe0ple who care for her knows not the sorrow they inflict..

Why is life so complicated..
I thought these things only happen in movies..

Whatever it is.. I will wait for you..
I will ask you again my love..
when the moon glows bright..
I shall renew my vows my love..
Whisper to you of long tranquil..
I would promise the skies above..
If only to see you smile once more..
I would grow old with you..
To mark the seasons with my lips

I close my eyes now darling
Wet that they are now

      Lead the way, Show me how..
My source of milk, my dairy cow..
Of nameless smiles I seek today..
Your lips, indeed I long for now..
Of windspun hair once held at night..
The glint of moonlight, is all I keep..

The fool I was to let you slip..
Such like the shadows that keep me still..
I mourn the loss, that starlight brought..
Was it Foolish, to seek the stars?
My simple wish, to reach the skies..
To share with you, the gift of flight..

Perhaps your dreams were not of mine..
You seek the sun-warmed grass..
Of mellowed leaves & meadow scents…
To stride the fields, your feet have not,
I heard a whisper, it was your heart
To heed such song, my heart forgot..

Your words a path, Your eyes my mouth
My love unseen, You greet, then shun
A touch, A Kiss, the lonely smile..
Your breath, the voice, The Things I miss

Now raindrops cloud this crimson day..
“Where my rainbows appear” I wish she would say

Undo this wrong, lets do what’s right..
Forget this wish, ignore the sight..
I know today, I stood upright..

Withdraw with loss, this heart of mine..

Puffy clouds, with hues so keen
Through glades of grass, I now belong..

My notes:
I dont know if what I did was right.. but I do know that I was fighting.. not for myself..
Perhaps I fought too hard.. only to find the person I was to protect in another’s arms?
Or is it the will of fate, to eclipse one memory.. with the beckon of candor?

This is a repost from my old blog

"Whenever I am with you, eternity is but a slip way
My love is like an ocean,
You never know how deep..
Your lips are like a rose..
Whose taste I long to keep"

I heard our PM just lost his wife, Endon to cancer..
I would wish him well.. & the strength to continue, where she has let go..

A glint of light on windswept plains,
A startled bird would leap in vain I saw,
Across the skies above I gazed beyond .. 
A jealous cheek a timid brow,
Along came fireflies…
Would it be? Or was it so? 
My heart eschewed its will to glow,
My breath is gone,
Faith endow your gentle wish, 
Wanting all along, I thought I’ve heard u so,
Erase this fear I etch, 
Forgive my past my dear I fetch,
For sins alone shall cloud this night,
Forgive my soul I leave tonight
I would not bare to see you weep
For solemn dreams I bid you keep
My heart in clasps so long undone
In beat with yours my fate now runs

This is a repost from my previous blog @_@

tonight i write this fateful tune
of mellowed dreams & songs undue
my heart now a splintered ray
on glass & streams
of mountain dew..
I look to yonder.. i squint thereon
so bask within those tender groves..
i spy your smile, your grace beyond..
but move no closer.. to scathe thy view
so tell me now, pray tell me why..
would you weep to see me leave?
but bid me so to jump astart?
Yet bind me so with witching smile..
those luscious eyes yet meet my gaze..
to shy away from prying sort..
My heart now bleeds, it does today..
but sail this keep, for a lover’s bay…

Actually I am reposting all the stuff from my previous blog into this one..
Just so happened my life got fucked recently again
Hmm.. i guess I was sad back then..
Still sad, even now..
Ahaha wonder if I will ever be happy again..

Ageless memories

of clouds & autumn breeze..
steps of winter cast,
i gaze beyond to see what waves now bring…
i stood, i ran, i walked throughout..
my feet, like clay now bounce like springs

crimson hues of sonnet blue..
i traced your lips upon the skies..

if time itself could stand so still..
deep inside i knew you will..

find your way upon these dusty tomes..
to read my name with cheeks so red..

and wonder how the deeds of one,
could cling to you, where there is none..

if words alone could paint my heart..
the pain i felt before we’d part

if i never knew you..
i would never have a clue..
how at last i’d find in you..
the missing part of me..

The last verse is actually from a song, "If I Never Knew You"