Dreamseeker

to see the moon again

and rise to feel alive

to seek your kiss afar

no wish to sing my whiles

i saw the cold creep in

where snow and night fall down

i sought what lay within..

these hands would keep my vow

and trace the wind ahead

to reach the stars above

i wish for stolen wings..

and soar i know not how

i saw the stars.. i felt the rain.. I could see so far.. and i cant stop the pain.. the leaves would whisper names a face i know to be.. of love, of tales now lost, no tears i long to see i wait for solemn peace where dust would stain the earth these hands now glimpse a shade.. no fate no man should see

Wahaha..
This is my new favourite song..

I have been listening to this endlessly ever since I got the CD from our local pasar malam @_@

yes if you are wondering like my friend Lynn (She was so happy to listen to it while we ate dim sum the other day), Of course I ripped it
Just ask me if you want a copy =p

Watching 200 Pound Beauty reminded me of what it was like.. to be insecure once. Of knowing that deep down inside, we can wear our masks & pretend we fit in.. But by doing so, we forget who we really are.

I am proud Hanna had the courage to accept herself for who she is.

For what is beauty, without a heart? What is a voice, without a tale… ^_^

Personally, I can relate to her story.. (Although mine wasnt nearly as physically traumatic)
I was big.. I mean I have ALWAYS been big ^_^
But when I was younger, it bothered me alot.
I wasnt always the more talker that you see now.
There was a time I was actually quite afraid to speak to friends.. of voicing my opinion..

I remember there was a time before the age of 12, I started starving myself too, wondering why I was chubbier than other people
I guess not eating was a way of punishing myself..
But then when my mom would by kentucky for me, I guess I would guiltily tuck in & grow even chubbier (apparently ur digestive system gets more efficient if it knows u r starving, so it stores everything.. and i DO mean EVERYTHING)

Ahaha the worst part was.. *sheepishly* I would also admit to not being comfortable around girls
Shy la, what to do..

And shyness tends to bring out the worst in us, we lash out at the world, for not caring.. but we shut our doors, unwilling to see the light

Would I ever see the light?

But I guess that really changed when I hit college.
Nobody knew me.. I could actually start from scratch.
No pre-judged responses.. no inkling of who I was.. where I was from..
"is he popular..?" , "is he smart..?", "is he fun…?"

None.. I made it up as I went along.

I finally got transport (back then it was just a motorbike, but it was definitely an upgrade from the lousy bicycle i once had..)
Wah, with transport, the world opened up..
You can actually do stuff and not have to ask your parents to fetch u around

Wow..I also started going to gym @_@
Was still chubby, but I guess i could bounce around better compared to last time

And I was happy.. finally

We all wear masks..
I guess I found my mask abit later than most..

And in this mask, I fashioned an image of a person whom most people know now..

Does this make me a different person..? Anything more than what I was..?
I really dont know..

It is said that adversity builds character
But yet it is our humanity that we lose with each breath we draw

Growing up changes people.. but I would like to believe that there is still pieces of my innocence lying beneath the layers I have piled atop to keep doubt away.

I guess the song below really captures what I wanted to say..

Maybe one day, I will find what I am looking for.

And for now.. I shall keep my memories close..

200 Pound Beauty, Byul (It means star in Korean by the way @_@)

param gyeoli changeul heundeulgo
nae gimalhan jakeun nawei pan weouro
areumduphge byulbijdeureul
kadeul chaewojuneyo
malhi aphahajimah
nalkkok aneunchae dadokyojumyeo
jakjara weouro haejuneyo
keodji mothalmankkeum himekyeowon aphawado
nunmuli apeul karyeowado
kajjimothal nae sarang aphedo nan useullaeyo
jamshimado kyeote haengboghattdeon giogdeureul
kashime kanjig halkeyo
du nune suno najin jeobyuldeul
cheoreom yeongwonhi
Translation of Youme’s version:

the wind is shaking the windows,and over my small room,
the stars fill up the sky, shining brightly too many to count,
the stars reassure tired me
they wipe away the many tears that are deep inside me

don’t be hurt too much..they hug me tight and pamper me
and comfort me,
telling me to go to sleep

though I’m exhausted to the point where I can’t walk
though my tears blur my vision
I’ll still smile in front of my love that I’m not able to get

Even though our happy times were short, I’ll treasure it deep inside my heart
like those countless number of stars, forever

My dream is coming. though it is unusual that my one star is bright
it is very bright, even blinding..it comes down to my shoulder
stop being so sad..it holds my hand as it touches me
and gives me a warm hug

though I’m exhausted to the point where I can’t walkthough my tears blur my vision
I’ll still smile in front of my love that I’m not able to get

Even though our happy times were short, I’ll treasure it deep inside my heart
like those countless number of stars, forever

Only for today, I won’t cry though my eyes fill with tears
I want to laugh like those stars
Oh~ I want to cherish all my happy moments deep inside my heart
Like those countless number of stars, forever

PS: Last but not least, frankly speaking I dont get whats the fuss about being 200 pounds..

Ahaha..
U know what?
Alot of people I know in gym are easily above 200 pounds..
Ahem ahem.. I AM 200 Pounds too @_@
Maybe it was just a nice number.. 200.. u know @_@
Being 300 pounds would definitely be out of this world..

I will be here..
(yes my songs are back!)

I finally found all my mp3s again..
Gosh, I thought all my student life (which was a short yet memorable moment in my life) gathering my songs were gone to waste..
But i finally found them again in my colleague’s hard disk

It all happened sometime early this year..
I usually share my songs in the server so that my colleagues can put in new songs & leech the ones they like from me..
Then one day.. when i switched on my winamp..
Gone, Kapoof, nothing

"Cannot locate source"

I was like wtf..? Who erased all my songs?
I asked everyone. no one admitted to doing it.
GOodness.. I actually started camping at some of my friend’s homes to leech their songs with a portable hard disk..
But frankly speaking, I think the marvel of MP3s is the fact that we only keep the ones that we like..
And listen to it again & again..
Although all my friend’s had quite an extensive collection, it could never compare to my own..

Anyway, fast forward
The colleague in mention has now left, & after checking the hard disk..
I found all my songs there!
I think the person must have accidentally *cut n pasted* the entire collection instead of the standard *copy  & paste*
WTF la..
I had to go on without my entire compendium of music for half a year.
You wouldnt believe how sick it was listening to the same songs (cause i only had a few spare stored on my phone as ringtones) again & again like a broken record

Almost went crazy trying to collect it all again

Now, I am reacquainting myself with my long lost songs..
Geeze..
Time to memorize a new song.
I will take it slow @_@. For now, for now, I shall attempt to remember its "I will be here, by Clay Aiken for me.."
Should be easy.. ahaha English songs r simple to memorize, its the chinese & korean ones that take awhile (memorize by sound, i dont know wtf they r singing half the time anyway..)

I will be here, By Clay Aiken

Tomorrow morning
If you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I will be here

If in the dark
We lose sight of love
Hold my hand and have no fear
I will be here

I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to cryin’
Through the winning, losing, and trying
We’ll be together
‘Cause I will be here

Tomorrow morning
If you wake up
And the future
Is unclear
I will be here..

Sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
I will be here

I will be here
You can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we’re older
I will hold you
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to cryin’
Through the winning, losing, and trying
We’ll be together

I will be true
To the promise I have made
To you, and to the one
Who gave you to me

I will be here

And just as sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
So I
I will be here
We’ll be together

‘Cause I will be here

Ahaha okla, memorized! @_@

After this, i will attempt the theme song by Kim Ah Jung, from the 200 pound beauty! @_@
I think its called Byul..

Wahaha..
I wonder if the karaoke has this song yet..
Geeze its a girl’s voice..
I wonder if I can carry the tune

Where song nor lips would never meet
I long for eyes that none could greet

Up on those hills my feet now tread..
No stop nor rest could keep me fed..
For hunger still my heart would yearn
Just autumn leaves that one would spurn..

Just hands, my own.. i held just one
A rose to keep, her name my pun..
Just time and tide, the setting sun…

Notes:
Its raining.. just cloudy skies
What a depressing piece of work

i sought to find a dream
a gift that none may bring
i walked to see the path
of peace now taken wing

now keep your past behind..
these steps shall hold us strong..
no tears to leave behind..
the gift you kept so long

the suns & moons may meet
where wind & wave collide..
tonight i close these eyes..
just shadows by my side

Ahaha… yeah i know.. it sounds pretty eerie huh?
Well.. actually there were brighter moments!
This is boxing day!
I got to be santa in aquaria klcc the other day..

Jesus i broke my back handing out candy to all the kids..

One thing u got to love are the kids though.
They just rush & reach out for you when there are freebies being given away..

Now wait.. technically i think some of the kids had boobs.. & beards on their faces.. (no .. and NO.. i know whats u’re thinking. i didnt fondle the girls.. i am referring to the parents!!!..)
Hmm.. i guess some parents were pretty crazy for freebies too.

Ahaha.. but its alright.. it was pretty fun.. aside from all the sweat.. the lack of food.. & perhaps the dehydration, i guess the finer points in being santa was the fact that everyone seems to smile when you are around.

As the new year dawns..
Christmas bells chime in the distance..

I looked behind my shoulder.. to see memories floating with the evening breeze..
As i gazed into my reflection onto windswept waters..
I saw… things that have shaped the events for the year…

I remember loss..
The loss of someone dear..

I saw sincerity
In a world full of masks.. quite unexpected.. but i shall follow behind her wake

I remember relief..
When the money that was owed was finally clear..

I saw happiness…
As I gazed into my newlywed companions..

I heard of betrayal..
To treat a person with kindness.. only to listen of ill intent

I found belief…
When all things have faded away.. the courage to see in ourselves, that we will make the right choice

To witness friendship..
during the annual dinner of a client’s company..
Where drink & song truly held the night..

To have seen compassion..
to take a step forward.. if only to clasp a hand in need

And to know loyalty.. that speaks not of blind faith…
But of honour.. & duty..

To understand respite..
Of the simple pleasure of sleep.. to seek a moment of peace..

To savor success.. knowing that we are not alone in our struggles..

And finally.. the most of which i remember of..
is the love.. of a woman i once knew.. of simple walks & laughter still..

@_@
Wow.. 12 things i could remember… ahaha
Cant believe i had so much to say..

Today was just another one of those days.
I had fever. I tossed through the hours..
As the sun broke across the horizon, I shivered in the morning as I contemplated what I should do today..

Do i just fuck it & try to catch up some sleep that my body so desires…?
Or should I worry about all of the things left undone..?

What felt like hours lapsed into minutes of inexorable clarity..

I shifted my feet away from the bed..& heaved my corpse out of my bed…
This was just a bad day..
There were so many times I wanted to just lose my temper.. Geeze
I wonder why I have to be so patient..

As the day trudged by, I guess my sense of duty won.
As I walked into the office of my final client..
I sat in silence.. pondering what she told me..
"We shall continue our efforts in making profitable growth" She sounded so proud after mouthing those words..
I of course then sheepishly asked her..
"So boss, Whats the difference between growth & profitable growth..?"
Her enlightening reply struck me with surprise..

"Well.. the big difference is, the part on making profit. You see.. alot of companies experience a trend of growth.. Thats normal. You generate more revenue, your clients increase. Your costs go up, & your expenses skyrockets to meet the demand. But all that happens is that their revenue generated is used to feed their expansion. There is little that goes towards profit.

Profitable growth means making a profit,  yet growing steadily."

Oh my god.. that made the wheels turn in my head.
Hmm.. I guess that kind of answered my long burning question.
Personally I have been doing this (as in building the company) for the last 4 years.. but it struck me as oddly true.
We have been growing. I see the business expanding, I see the team grow.. our clientele doesnt fail to impress. But oddly enough we never really make much profit.

Ahaha.. I guess it took an outsider to tell me what I needed to acknowledge. I kind of know what I should do now..
But that makes things really complicated doesnt it..?

The reason why we have been growing, is because we do our best.. each time. It doesnt matter who the client is, we just make things happen.

We never shirk our responsibilities.
Be it a 500 dollar job, a 20000 dollar job.. we put in the same amount of effort.
I guess this is why things have gone so well.. & also why things have gone so wrong.

The last 6 weeks have been terrible. Every waking moment of my life has been spent worrying about things undone. Why is that so..? I think its because I have found it tough to say no.

About being firm to saying no when its not worth our while commercially to pursue a deal.
You see, when we dont say no, we are bound by duty to deliver. Even if th value doesnt add up to the costs of delivering.

The expectations of clients who pay really low .. ARENT really low at all. So we end up spending the same amount of effort for thos clients, as we do for the better ones.
This is why we are calling it even. The funds we gain, are channeled towards non-productive projects.

I guess its true that they say it isnt the quantity that counts, but rather the quality.
This is especially more so in the service line, whereby it is truly our time that reflects how much we can earn.

Cut the long story short.. this means we need to drop the low value clients.. & only service the better paying ones.
Damn, that kind of sucks..
I always wanted to be able to do my bit for mankind by doing what I do best..

But if its only the the rich & famous…

Then whats the point..?
I guess I am in an interesting paradox.
To make a difference, I need to make tough decisions.

Geeze.. growing up isnt that easy after all…

WTF man.. @_@

I guess I will have to make a call. Let’s just see what the rising sun has to bring tomorrow..
Maybe if this fever breaks I’ll get to think clearly once more

I heard from  a friend, that growing wiser is all about learning from other people’s mistakes.
Being smart just means getting it right the first time.

I dont fancy myself as being too smart.. but I do believe wisdom should take a brighter role in my life from now onwards.

Wonder if that makes any sense..?

I went to my alumni last week..
The atmopshere with tinged with some dread..
I guess it would only be natural..
We havent seen each other for years.. 8 years to be exact..
Gosh, I wonder if all the things we used to talk about would still be interesting..
Would they still laugh at the same jokes?
Ahaha.. I was surprised.. I could actually remember everyone’s name
Cracked a few lame jokes on sex.. and I waited for what seemed to be an eternity of silence..
And finally laughter broke out.

Dreary eyes met silence.. with a smile..
The ice was broken..
Time has an effect on people..
It dries our tears..
It heals our wounds..
Perhaps, strengthens our bonds towards life

As i took my place amongst my friends..
I could feel minutes slip past
It seems as though nothing has changed..
Well, we physically look the same.. but yet .. characteristically .. the very same people whom i graduated together with

As my gaze drew towards the stage..
I heard the song from Josh Groban..
"
When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary.."
At first I thought that it was from a CD.. But it was actually one of our fellow schoolmates singing a very soulful rendition of "You raised me Up"
Hmm.. its somewhat ironic..

I guess the  first impression is always to look down on what our on fellows could accomplish
It didnt cross my mind that it would be someone from my school, to have such a voice..

As i listened in silence..
I realize that I have trodden on his path.. in my own unique way
How often have we grinned, in the face of disbelief..
Only to triumph? to Prove them wrong..

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;

We have come so far.. but it is only the beginning.
I gaze upon these stars tonight..
And I know I am not alone..

For some.. Life, is a journey.. that is full of regrets..
Some have  sought.. others have found… many have lost it all..

If only to pick themselves up.. to rise again
My friend’s voice reverberates, as my mind sinks into reverie..
"Its okay to fail a thousand times.. because we need to succeed only once.."

I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up… To more than I can be.

As his voice trailed into the distance..
The din of laughter was swamped with applause..

One day, it shall be our turn.
And when we step into the clamor.. perhaps we would make someone proud..
"I know him!" .. someone would whisper..

One day.. @_@

I once remembered a person who was youthful.. & full of passion..
He would gaze longingly into the shadows.. seeking solitude in his past.. & think dreamily of his future..
Time, it changes things.
Of all the people I have seen rise & fall, I gaze into the windswept skies & see it all..

I guess sometimes all of us long to listen to ourselves from time to time.
But it is fetching indeed when we hear our own thoughts articulated by another’s lips.

Today is the day. I heard myself .. a younger version of me.
I guess i finally remember a youth that used to whine & complain.. & never had the heart to finish what he started..
Erase the tempered steel that I have placed to guide my heart..
And this is who I am.

I wonder why it is we see life differently at each phase of our lives.
Perhaps if only to adapt, or die a silent death
I guess those are the choices we have to live with.

Things havent been so bad..  it is my turn to gaze knowingly into this youth..
And offer what grains of salt I have..
Ahahaha it is so ironic..
I used to turn my head away when faced with words i did not want to hear
I guess it is finally my turn to voice my own.

Of all the things I regret most, is the part where I knew..
I knew my father wanted to tell me.. tell me about so many things..
He would mumble & mumble.. & somehow he would continue until he would make his point..
The problem was .. I  wasnt listening.. I heard, but I did not listen..
But i did not wish to listen..

Sometimes stories are all that is left of a life that once was lived, but now remembered..
I guess he was just trying to recollect..
Collect the pieces together..

Ahaha.. But the funny thing is.. as much as I understand..
I still do not wish to indulge him
Now, as the pages tumble away from my sight..
I grin.. knowing the fate that awaits me..

Ahaha.. I guess I might as well enjoy it while I can.
Youth, as it is.. shall always be now.

No one probably understands what it is that slips through my mind right now.
One day, as my chapter finally draws to a close, perhaps i shall whisper once again..